Fran Miller, Ph.D. © 2025
One time when I was alone on Christmas Eve I had gone out to get a Christmas tree. The Christmas tree lots were mostly empty but I found a little Charlie Brown tree. I took it home and late in the evening I decorated it. I turned on the radio to a Christmas Eve Service. While I was vacuuming up the needles, someone was giving the sermon. I remember that the theme was love is an action.
I stopped vacuuming, and thought about it. That was a powerful line: love is an action. I’ve thought about that line in many different contexts, but I’m thinking about it again today as I begin to write about empathic listening. I think empathic listening is the least understood and the most overlooked effort that I have written about. Yes, it’s an effort. Empathic listening requires intent, sacrifice, and effort. And — I think — empathic listening is love — in action.
Empathic listening requires intent because when it comes to conversation each person is focused on what he or she wants to, intends to, or is going to – say. In order to listen empathically, it’s my observation that first of all, the listener is going to, needs to – intend – to listen. Secondly, empathic listening requires a sacrifice because the listener needs to overcome his or her own desire to speak — needs to literally sacrifice that personal urge, in order to listen. And third, since empathic doesn’t come naturally in our society, in order to listen empathically we need to accept that it is going to require an effort.
Just two side notes: I looked on Amazon for books on empathic listening. Shockingly it only listed two: one book called The Power of Listening, and a children’s book called Teach Your Dragon To Follow Instructions. There is one well known book on communication. Howard Rosenberg wrote a book called Nonviolent Communication. He described four steps for the speaker in a communication: I observe, I feel, I need, and I request. With empathic listening, however, we are not focused on the speaker. We are focusing on the listener.
In my clinical practice, I developed empathic listening guidelines for my clients, and have taught the guidelines in a variety of circumstances, with couples, with parents of adult children, and with parents with children of all ages. After practicing empathic listening for two weeks one couple reported back to me that in ten years of marriage counseling that empathic listening was the most effective technique that they had ever tried. The reason I include that example here, is that I truly believe that empathic listening is that powerful. I believe that empathic listening can go a very long way in solving marriage and relationship difficulties. I wrote an essay a long time ago on empathy called: The Most Cherished Gift.
All right, if we accept that we’re going to have to have an intent, make the sacrifices necessary, and make the necessary effort – well – just how DO you do empathic listening? Most communication patterns take two forms. One I call the cocktail party format. One person talks about a movie another person talks about a play; one person talks about boating, another about water skiing; one person talks about a recipe, another person talks about a home remodel. The conversation topics jump all over the place.
Most conversations with two people consist of each person formulating intentions on their next input into the conversation. With couples discussing their relationship this is particularly typical. Each person is eager to express their observation, complaint, or opinion. Usually , as is generally observed, while one person is speaking, the other person is formulating what they want to say next.
With empathic listening the sequence of speaking and listening is entirely different. Each are identified as the speaker or the listener for a period of time. Then the roles are reversed. The speaker may be identified because of a higher level of stress, because the listener just assumes that role without definition for some reason, or because it is their turn. The speaker and listener roles are exchanged at regular intervals depending on the circumstances. In extreme cases just one person may be the speaker for the whole communication and the other the listener.
I have developed five recommendations for the listener.
First is a mirror response. This is most appropriate at the beginning of a conversation. The listener repeats back almost exactly what the speaker has just said. This will define the speaker and listener roles by action. For example, if one comes home from work and exclaims “I just had the most stressful and frustrating day!, the listener will repeat almost exactly, “ Wow, you had a stressful day!” This will indicate that you heard the communication and you are assuming the listener role. This seems like it would be an elementary response, but the speaker with this cue will almost always go on to tell the stressful events. The listener continues to listen following the next steps.
Second, the listener listens and then paraphrases the speakers content. This is not a comment on the content, but rather a paraphrase without any commentary. You are just repeating back a paraphrase of what you have heard.
Third, if the speaker includes an emotion in the statement, when you paraphrase then you include the emotion. For example: “When Ken and Barbara got in the huge controversy, it started to make you feel extremely concerned,” or just, “You were getting concerned,” repeating just what the speaker had said.
Fourth, if the speaker does not include an emotion, but you have the distinct impression that one was aroused, you can include it in your response. For example, “When David (the manager at work) became angry I imagine you were beginning to get very stressed.” You are staying on the topic, but just adding an hypothesis. If you are right the speaker will go on with that subject. If that is not the case, the speaker will correct it and then go on.
Fifth, when the situation is very emotional you want your response to reflect the feelings related to the subject, and you respond with emotion and with the feeling related to the speakers content. For example, “When Susan fell and you had to call the ambulance, that must have been frightening for you.” You stay on the subject and respond with the feeling that you perceive the speaker would be feeling. Then you both continue the conversation of the subject with those feelings until the speaker is finished with the description.
In each case the listener reflects back the content that the speaker is saying while staying on the subject of the speaker. This continues until the speaker is finished With a cocktail party format of conversation, no conclusion or shared understanding is reached. With empathic listening, it would likely be that the speaker and listener come to so some moments of shared understanding and shared emotion. I call this coming to an intimate moment.
In relationship communications, the topic may go back and forth changing roles. However, with longer or more emotional content, the roles can be reversed at a later time. The important emphasis is for the listener to have the intent, and make the sacrifice to stay on the subject of the speaker without sharing one’s own input. Another time the roles will be reversed and you will be the speaker. Hopefully, your listener will then set the intent and make the sacrifice and the effort to be an empathic listener for you. What is important is that each speaker will be able to appreciate being able to express themself fully and feel understood. And you and your partner will be some of the few in our society that know how to, and put into practice – empathic listening. And — you will be putting your love — into action.
November 2, 2025